Getting clear about things seems to be a consistent theme filtering through my life and the lives of those who’ve crossed my path lately. Clarity is one of those elusive terms that are easy to use in general conversation, but difficult and somewhat daunting to achieve by comparison.
Example: Ask yourself What do I want right now?
You’ll most likely respond with something directly related to what you’re doing at this very moment. You might tell yourself you want to get home because you’re stuck in traffic, or you want a cheeseburger because your stomach is growling or in my case, I want a pair of socks because my feet are cold.
However, when you broaden the spectrum and ask the same question as it relates to what you want out of life in general, the answers somehow become wrapped in confusion.
When I ask someone that I’m coaching, So what is it that you really want?; instead of a decided response I usually hear something to the effect of “I don’t know” or “I just want to be happy” or “I just want a job”.
See, if we’re only given the option of deciding on something simple that affects our immediate situation we can usually answer the question of what we want (i.e. socks) without doubt or hesitation, but when asked to step outside of that immediate realm of reality and get specific about something that seems far more important (like finding a job), we freeze.
As if we can have the simple stuff, but we’re not allowed to use that same logic for the stuff that really matters. If someone told me I couldn’t get a pair of socks right now, I’d politely push them aside and march to my dresser anyway (by the way, I’ve already put on my socks… problem solved). My point is, why don’t we do that when it matters?
There is this crazy belief that we can’t have it all so instead we just take what comes our way and we “deal” with it. In that respect I think the recession we’re in is good for all of us. Why not be forced to look at our current position in life with a fresh set of eyes? How many situations would be different if there were people leading lives of clarity and direction all over the planet?
As human beings we have a propensity for living in reactionary mode based on the circumstances that surround us. It’s just how we’re wired. Deciding what to do next, based on what has already happened is fairly status quo and logically makes sense. After all, aren’t the lessons we learn and the memories we create out of our past a large part of how we make decisions about our future? Absolutely.
What I’m referring to though is more along the lines of choosing first and letting the rest of the details fall into place. If I want a better job for instance, I might think about it and complain about it for a long time until one day something happens that forces me to make a decision one way or the other, like being laid off or being offered a position with another company. Likewise, if I’m unemployed or seeking employment and my objective is to just get a job that comes with a paycheck (as is the plight of so many right now) my odds of finding that job with a paycheck are greater if I specifically know what I’m looking for.
It’s easier to allow ourselves to accept the misconception that having what we want is just a fairytale and is reserved only for the chosen few; or we might even consider that we can have what we want, but only within certain parameters (that we set by ourselves, of course). Either way, somewhere deep down we subconsciously believe that admitting what you want is the equivalent of committing some serious crime that no one talks about at parties. It’s almost an unwritten rule that you must keep it to yourself if you want something bigger than what you have (i.e. you’re selfish, it’s not attainable, get your head out of the clouds, etc.).
True those fears may be from a societal standpoint, but I still wish to challenge that thought process by asking what if?
What if the way to lead an extraordinary life was to simply be clear about what we want in the first place? At least then we’d know what we’re aiming for.
I’ve put this theory to work in my own life. And though I consistently struggle against it (as is human nature), I know that when I personally get clear about something, things seem to magically fall into place. I’ve landed jobs, sold cars, and found a mate (I kid you not) using clarity as my backdrop. It’s not crazy to think big. It’s only crazy NOT to.
So, what if… you dared ask the question about something that matters to you?
And, what if… you really meant the answer?
Aren’t you the least bit curious?
How incredible is the human spirit?
How marvelous our ability to experience excitement, heartache, joy, anxiety, doubt, and absolute harmony in what seems a single breath of time?
Every day of this week has been a new adventure in and of itself and as I sit here now reflecting on the week’s events, both high and low, I am quietly grateful that this is my life and my existence to contemplate.
What is true today will not be so tomorrow. The world around us is in constant motion… changing who we are and what we know with every waking moment. The steady movement, like a tender breeze carries with it the fragrance of new experience and the thrill of daring challenge and shapes our existence into what we know as truth.
Even so, it is our divine responsibility to ponder our good fortune as a reminder that life itself is a gift. I am blessed today with a heightened awareness of that remarkable gift without want or desire of knowing what will unfold tomorrow.
There is a stillness that occurs when simply taking up residence in our own state of ‘being’. No thought about what is left undone; no concern for the next five minutes. Only a whisper of grace and gratitude that what is right now… is exactly what it should be.
How often do we take the time to simply breathe and soak up the goodness of being alive… of hearing the rhythm of our own heart’s beat?
How often we should.
I hate saying no.
I don’t even like the sound of “no thank you” though considerably more polite.
What’s ironic is that for years I’ve considered myself nowhere near being one of those yes-person types. You know the ones who are involved in every single activity they can get their hands on and make it all appear as though sleep is overrated? Like those women… who run a successful company and they’re on the board of directors for some really fantastic charity and they have four kids who all get straight A’s without a nanny, and they make their own cookies for the school bake sale? You get the idea.
Quite frankly, I’ve always thought I was the exact opposite of those women – relaxed, balanced, relatively driven, but not to the point of exhaustion. I’ve never been one to over-commit myself or my time to things that generally don’t fit into my schedule. Instead I’ve discovered ways to build dedicated “me” time into my day – running, doing yoga, taking baths – whatever keeps me centered. I haven’t been known to bite off more than I can chew (with the exception of my wedding of course, which was more out of necessity than it was a choice).
However, the last three or four weeks have been a complete chaotic mess and so here I stand totally corrected, my bruised ego in one hand and my white flag of remorse in the other.
As it turns out, I never learned how to say no because I never had to. Instead, I just never got involved. Only recently did I resolve to get out of the house and extend my immediate circle to include group participation in various areas of interest. However, now that I am in the midst of all this wonderful participation I realize that there are an endless number of committees, groups, boards, teams and volunteer activities available and I feel strangely compelled to say yes to them all!
Unfortunately, there is a lot of mental clutter that comes along with signing up for more things than one possibly has time for, no matter how innocent or well-intended the motive. After having a meltdown in the kitchen last Thursday over something totally unrelated to the true origin of my tantrum, my husband very calmly pointed out (with his business manager hat on) that it’s possible I’m over-extending myself in terms of my time and commitments. And the result of being so over-committed is that I have no time left to do what I set out to do – run a business and chase my dreams.
There seems to be a mysterious illusion that comes along with being a solopreneur, wherein my time doesn’t always seem like it matters in comparison with those who have “real” jobs. (As if my days begin with eating bonbons and end with watching Oprah since I work from home.) Having a flexible schedule somehow creates said mysterious illusion that I have an overabundance of time to give when the reality is, I don’t. I’m hard at work trying to make something of myself.
This is especially true when working day in and day out on ideas that don’t have a obvious start and conclusion or when the day is spent making progress without any tangible results.
It seems that my sudden obsession with saying yes to things outside of my work parameter stems not from a desire to feel needed or wanted, but rather the deep-seated longing to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I also know that I’m capable of doing the tasks that are asked of me so why shouldn’t I say yes? Hence, everything that’s put in front of me sounds like a great idea and I gladly say yes until I am, not surprisingly, overwhelmed and buried at the hands of my to-do list.
The stubborn part of my brain hasn’t yet come to terms with letting go, although I recently heard a theory that if you don’t clear away some of the clutter in your life, the good things to come have no place to set up camp. And since my focus of late has been attracting those good things, I’d better make sure there’s room.
Life is not about being Super Girl. It’s about living with integrity and being able to keep your promises – to those around you and just as importantly, to yourself.
This is a tough lesson for me to learn. Tough because I have to admit once again that I don’t know it all (I know… I was shocked too) and tough because I’ve had to swallow my pride and step back from some of the commitments I’ve made.
Nevertheless, I am thankful because having to sort through it all has forced me to determine my priorities. It is far too easy to lose sight of what actually needs my attention and what doesn’t, but letting go has lifted a colossal burden and as luck would have it there appears a light at the end of the productivity tunnel.
Is there any clutter in your life that needs clearing?
I just finished reading a book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It took me all of two days to read because it’s so small, but it’s crammed with unbelievably impactful insight. Without giving too much away, the book is based on the idea that we are born as perfect little beings and then over the course of time we continually make “agreements” with ourselves both consciously and subconsciously about our belief system. It is up to us as adults to redefine those beliefs and create new agreements that are healthier and that help us live richer lives.
I don’t know about you, but I personally could use a little re-write on the agreements that I have with myself and the subtle ways in which I use these agreements to stand in the way of my own progress.
Obviously, everyone has a completely different set of circumstances from their childhood. I don’t believe “normal” childhoods exist – no matter how “normal” your family appeared. We all have something in our history that helps us contribute to the walking mob of psychosis that we are today; be it right, wrong, or indifferent.
Your home life, your school experience, your friends, and your religion all play a part in the agreements you make with yourself about what is true and what is not.
This theory works down to the tiniest, most obsolete detail in our lives even if there is no rhyme or reason for that agreement. Example: The first time I ever lived away from my house I was 19. I moved into an apartment with my very best girlfriend and the first time we unpacked our groceries together, I immediately placed the loaf of bread in the microwave for storage. Why? Because that’s what my mom did. No other reason. I grew up believing that’s where everyone stored their loaf of bread. My best friend thought I was crazy and it prompted me to ask my mom for an explanation. Apparently, we stored the bread in the microwave because our kitchen was so small; we didn’t have anywhere else to put it so she made the microwave double as a bread box. No wonder my friend thought I was nuts.
See? It doesn’t matter what the reason is… our belief system is so ingrained in our very being, that we (a) most of the time aren’t even aware that we believe certain things and (b) if we’re adamant about certain beliefs, we sometimes don’t even know why. Most of us don’t even question what our belief system is anymore, we just go about life in the way we always have.
I do have a point… which I’m getting to.
“The Four Agreements” was an interesting read for me because it made me aware of my belief system. And like it or not, I have agreements that I made with myself, God only knows when, that commit me to believing things like, I’m not good enough… I can’t have what I want… I shouldn’t dream any bigger because I don’t want to get my hopes up… the list goes on. And even though I’ve made a TON of progress in re-working these beliefs, they somehow sneak up on me when I least expect it.
Today, it became crystal clear that I still have some major obstacles to overcome in order to get where I want to go. And ironically, given that my outside world tends to match the lessons that I need to learn most, it ties into “The Four Agreements” message.
I’m part of an accountability group and in that group we discuss and brainstorm our progress as it relates to the dreams we are trying to achieve. During our conversation this afternoon I become painfully aware that I spend a lot of time complaining that I don’t seem to be getting where I want to go fast enough (i.e. getting paid to do what I want to do) and yet I am also painfully aware that I can’t seem to get out of my way.
I have this ingrained belief that I can’t. Now, who knows where it came from… and the fact is it doesn’t really matter where it came from. The “why” behind any of our behaviors doesn’t really matter. I was told once that the “why” is the booby prize, because really… what do you gain from knowing the answer to the question? Absolutely nothing. Unless you’re ready to take action, the why doesn’t really make a difference.
SO… as I was whining on my conference call today about how I really would like to make some money and I can’t seem to figure out how to make that happen, one of my accountability partners ever-so-candidly pointed out to me that I have a couple of choices… I can either take myself out and get a part-time job and work on my dream during the other part-time hours of my week… or I can choose to continue working the way I’m working and just make it work until I make some money – be it tomorrow or six months from now. Either way, I should just choose and stop talking about it.
And so goes the cycle. Sometimes I play the part of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory all too well… “I want a chocolate factory daddy… and I want it NOOOOOOOWWW!”
There is only one thing stopping me from making my dreams a reality sooner rather than later, and I am sure that one thing is ME. I say I want, and then I get lost in the fear of (fill in the blank here)… failure, insecurity, self-doubt, what if’s, worst case scenarios, and uncertainty. And most of this happens behind the scenes – I say I can on the outside… and then there’s a hidden little voice that says I can’t. And most times I don’t even hear it, that’s how subtle it is.
That being said, I’m in need of exploring a new system. I wish I could tell you that I’m going to wrap up this post and tie it with a nice little bow for presentation, but that would not be honest. Let’s just say that I finished the book and now I’m thinking what a daunting task it will be to create new agreements with myself!
This is the part where I get to admit again to being a work in progress. And I suppose for now… that’s good enough. But I’m curious… does anyone else out there have the same problem with their own agreements? If so, how do you internally combat the agreements you’ve made?
If you have insight… hit me with it.
I live three blocks from the State Capitol Building. The park that serves as the picturesque backdrop for this building is bustling this time of year with politicians, state workers, and tourists alike. It is around the perimeter of this fine park that I go for my daily run. I choose to run there for many reasons, most of which are logical – it is three blocks from my house, one lap around is one mile and therefore easy to track my distance, and it’s safe (relatively speaking, anyway).
Last night, on my second lap around the east side I noticed a woman who appeared to be in her seventies or so, strolling along the edge of the rose garden. As I approached, it became clear that she was pausing at each rose and inhaling gently. She wore a tender smile and seemed to be thoroughly savoring the scent of every flower, though clearly, all the same.
I giggled to myself at first at the fact that she was stopping… quite literally… to smell the roses. And then it dawned on me that her presence is symbolic of the one lesson I am struggling most to learn. I wrote last week of minding the gap; my constant battle with the seemingly all-too-frequent lulls in my life where nothing good seems to be happening. And though my life coach promises that the process not the progress, is the only thing that matters, I assure you that this is not an effortless philosophy for me to abide by.
However, after my brief encounter with this woman in the rose garden I somehow felt lighter on my feet. In fact, the rest of my run was pure joy. The music flowing through my iPod seemed more upbeat, my pace was inexplicably stronger and my breath was more even.
I couldn’t help but think that this perfect stranger in the park had unintentionally passed me some of her tranquil vibe. And I was loving every second of it. There was an intense feeling of gratitude that came with the spring in my step; something from the inside that prompted the ‘roses’ in my own life to start filtering through my mind one by one as I ran.
It went something like this…
I love the fact that I run… I love the fact that I live in a place that is warm and sunny most of the year… I love that I’m married to a man who not only loves me and supports me, but puts up with me when I’m moody and when I talk too much… I love that I have dreams and desires beyond what I can see at this very moment in time and I love that I am free to explore where those desires might actually take me.
Thinking of those things automatically triggered thoughts of how much I really have accomplished since beginning this quest. I write a blog… something I only talked about months ago. I wrote a treatment for a show… which is still just crazy to me, but seems more realistic now than it did when it was just a thought in my mind. In fact, it was just over a year ago that I was making a list of things I enjoy doing in hopes of finding some sort of directional sign to my future… and now I’ve got a brand new resume full of projects that I have been blessed with that will give me experience I need for the next step. But most of all, my life is FUN and that was the number one prerequisite that was on my list from the get go.
I say all of this with the utmost humility. It is certainly not to pat myself on the back for my progress. Quite the opposite actually. I think it’s more of a simple realization.
Maybe that is the true art of making progress. When you start to enjoy the process, the progress you never knew you were making suddenly appears within your view. And when you make progress that you can actually see, you like yourself more. And when you like yourself more, your energy is different – kind of like the wise old woman in the park, who was able to pass along her contentment without so much as even a whisper.
Ironically, maybe the gap doesn’t need any minding at all… maybe the gap is just God’s way of gently reminding us to slow down… and take time to smell the roses.
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Meet Bobbi
Welcome to Chasing Possible! I'm the author and creator of this site. A place to share insight, wisdom, and a little bit of humor about the every day "stuff" that makes us human. I'm a wife, a relatively new mom to a baby girl, and a life coach by profession. I'm passionate about learning how to step into my full potential and teaching others to do the same. I love running, yoga, laughing, and making up silly songs for my daughter. I have a tendency to think too much, not sleep enough and genuinely love with all I have. I hope you find a little bit of inspiration and a whole lot of hope from visiting this site. Enjoy!
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When Did I Get Like This?: The Screamer, the Worrier, the Dinosaur-Chicken-Nugget-Buyer, and Other Mothers I Swore I'd Never Be [Hardcover] (Unknown Binding)
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