Chasing Possible

Fear has been my topic of choice lately; presumably because I am navigating my own intensely fear-driven phase right now.

And the truth is that though I appear to be a risk-loving, leap-of-faith-taking maven, I’m really just a big chicken cloaked in a cape of blind ambition.

No… really.

When I was young it took me years to get up the courage to ride a roller coaster that went upside down.  I spent the better part of my childhood standing in line, watching the train of roller coaster cars whoosh past me in the landing house.  Finally, when it was my turn to board… I’d step all the way through the seats and walk back out to the entrance, silently watching as my friends waved down to me on their way up the first climb.

I had the same issue with the high dive at the community pool.  I spent an entire summer timidly tip-toeing out to the edge of that springboard and peering into the chlorinated waves below until I actually got up the nerve one day to jump.

God forbid anyone ever push me.  I was okay with being afraid.  I was only prepared to do things that I was ready to do and not until I was ready to do them.

Surely, I could sit here and tell you how I’ve since figured out a way to beat that timid girl into submission and how I now charge courageously into my future with no hesitation.

But that would be a lie.

I have overcome obstacles in my path, yes, and I’ve done things that have surprised even me, but I still continue to battle the surges of fear that rush through me when I least expect it.

That said, I decided to sort through my fear-related issues and have written about them here in hopes of clearing a path to my next leap.  Maybe you can relate.

I’ve learned that when I am most afraid of my own situation, I tend to talk about other peoples’ fears incessantly.  (Mom, are you reading this?)  And then I try to force them into leaping first… kind of a subconscious “you go, then I’ll go” tactic.  But you cannot make someone else leap; no matter how hard you try, even if you know they want to.  Secretly trying to make them leap seems to temporarily disconnect your focus from your own fears to theirs.  But every single one of us has to overcome our own high dive on our own terms.  Period.

I’ve also learned that no matter how many times I go through this process, it’s still scary.  You know how they say the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward?  Yeah, well for me the bigger the risk, the more I feel like hiding under a rock so as not to come face to face with my fear.

I do know myself well enough to know the exact moment that it’s time to leap.  But first, there is always that moment before that exact moment when I hesitate.  I can sense when something really big is at work in my life and there just might be more to it than what I can actually see with my own eyes… and I know I should go for it, but I still hesitate… waiting for some sort of definitive bolt to shoot down from the clouds and tell me exactly what the “right” answer is.  I stand there in pause, as if I might actually figure out at some point what I “should” do.

But then I remember that there are no “right” answers, only answers that are right for me.  And I shouldn’t do anything… except be true to my own soul.

And even though I know this, I still tend to lean on being “confused” as my go-to emotion as though that excuse alone can prevent any sort of failure.  Too bad I’ve been taught that there is no such thing as confusion.  Confusion is simply a label for not wanting to make a decision; for fear that it might just be the wrong decision. 

I saw a quote today that summed this up perfectly.  “Faith is believing in advance what only makes sense in reverse.” (Charles Swindoll)  This is where instinct takes over and you have to just go with your gut.  All the wisdom in the world can’t tell you what your heart already knows and when you finally decide… you just go… and you don’t look back, because you can’t.  And it’s terrifying to see that all the arrows are pointing down one obvious road, but you still feel sick because what if that road is the wrong road?

Trust me, stuck in contemplation is no picnic.  Leap… or get left behind.  There is no in-between.

Thankfully, we are born equipped with this instinct and if we learn how to follow it, it rarely steers us wrong.  After all, how does any good business person get to the top of their game?  Instinct.  We’ve all experienced this in some form or another where we can’t even explain the decisions we’ve made except to say that we just “knew”.

So for me right now, I already know that I know the answer.  I’ve been working on this solo career path long enough to know that what I’ve been asking for has squarely presented itself to me.  And even though I know it’s the right choice, and it’s good for me and good for my future, and it’s exactly in line with what I wanted… I’m still afraid.

Where am I leaping, you ask?

I’m still working out the details.  But my first order of business is to just say YES and then get moving.

In the meantime, what do you know about fear that might be worth sharing?  Is there a roller coaster in your own life that might finally be worth stepping onto?

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