Chasing Possible

I just finished reading a book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.  It took me all of two days to read because it’s so small, but it’s crammed with unbelievably impactful insight.  Without giving too much away, the book is based on the idea that we are born as perfect little beings and then over the course of time we continually make “agreements” with ourselves both consciously and subconsciously about our belief system.  It is up to us as adults to redefine those beliefs and create new agreements that are healthier and that help us live richer lives.

I don’t know about you, but I personally could use a little re-write on the agreements that I have with myself and the subtle ways in which I use these agreements to stand in the way of my own progress.

Obviously, everyone has a completely different set of circumstances from their childhood.  I don’t believe “normal” childhoods exist - no matter how “normal” your family appeared.  We all have something in our history that helps us contribute to the walking mob of psychosis that we are today; be it right, wrong, or indifferent.

Your home life, your school experience, your friends, and your religion all play a part in the agreements you make with yourself about what is true and what is not.

This theory works down to the tiniest, most obsolete detail in our lives even if there is no rhyme or reason for that agreement.  Example:  The first time I ever lived away from my house I was 19.  I moved into an apartment with my very best girlfriend and the first time we unpacked our groceries together, I immediately placed the loaf of bread in the microwave for storage.  Why?  Because that’s what my mom did.  No other reason.  I grew up believing that’s where everyone stored their loaf of bread.  My best friend thought I was crazy and it prompted me to ask my mom for an explanation.  Apparently, we stored the bread in the microwave because our kitchen was so small; we didn’t have anywhere else to put it so she made the microwave double as a bread box.  No wonder my friend thought I was nuts.

See?  It doesn’t matter what the reason is… our belief system is so ingrained in our very being, that we (a) most of the time aren’t even aware that we believe certain things and (b) if we’re adamant about certain beliefs, we sometimes don’t even know why.  Most of us don’t even question what our belief system is anymore, we just go about life in the way we always have. 

I do have a point… which I’m getting to.

“The Four Agreements” was an interesting read for me because it made me aware of my belief system.  And like it or not, I have agreements that I made with myself, God only knows when, that commit me to believing things like, I’m not good enough… I can’t have what I want… I shouldn’t dream any bigger because I don’t want to get my hopes up… the list goes on.  And even though I’ve made a TON of progress in re-working these beliefs, they somehow sneak up on me when I least expect it.

Today, it became crystal clear that I still have some major obstacles to overcome in order to get where I want to go.  And ironically, given that my outside world tends to match the lessons that I need to learn most, it ties into “The Four Agreements” message.

I’m part of an accountability group and in that group we discuss and brainstorm our progress as it relates to the dreams we are trying to achieve.  During our conversation this afternoon I become painfully aware that I spend a lot of time complaining that I don’t seem to be getting where I want to go fast enough (i.e. getting paid to do what I want to do) and yet I am also painfully aware that I can’t seem to get out of my way.

I have this ingrained belief that I can’t.  Now, who knows where it came from… and the fact is it doesn’t really matter where it came from.  The “why” behind any of our behaviors doesn’t really matter.  I was told once that the “why” is the booby prize, because really… what do you gain from knowing the answer to the question?  Absolutely nothing.  Unless you’re ready to take action, the why doesn’t really make a difference. 

SO… as I was whining on my conference call today about how I really would like to make some money and I can’t seem to figure out how to make that happen, one of my accountability partners ever-so-candidly pointed out to me that I have a couple of choices… I can either take myself out and get a part-time job and work on my dream during the other part-time hours of my week… or I can choose to continue working the way I’m working and just make it work until I make some money - be it tomorrow or six months from now.  Either way, I should just choose and stop talking about it.

And so goes the cycle.  Sometimes I play the part of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory all too well… “I want a chocolate factory daddy… and I want it NOOOOOOOWWW!”

There is only one thing stopping me from making my dreams a reality sooner rather than later, and I am sure that one thing is ME.  I say I want, and then I get lost in the fear of (fill in the blank here)… failure, insecurity, self-doubt, what if’s, worst case scenarios, and uncertainty.  And most of this happens behind the scenes - I say I can on the outside… and then there’s a hidden little voice that says I can’t.  And most times I don’t even hear it, that’s how subtle it is.

That being said, I’m in need of exploring a new system.  I wish I could tell you that I’m going to wrap up this post and tie it with a nice little bow for presentation, but that would not be honest.  Let’s just say that I finished the book and now I’m thinking what a daunting task it will be to create new agreements with myself!

This is the part where I get to admit again to being a work in progress.  And I suppose for now… that’s good enough.  But I’m curious… does anyone else out there have the same problem with their own agreements?  If so, how do you internally combat the agreements you’ve made?

If you have insight… hit me with it.

I live three blocks from the State Capitol Building.  The park that serves as the picturesque backdrop for this building is bustling this time of year with politicians, state workers, and tourists alike.  It is around the perimeter of this fine park that I go for my daily run.  I choose to run there for many reasons, most of which are logical - it is three blocks from my house, one lap around is one mile and therefore easy to track my distance, and it’s safe (relatively speaking, anyway).

Last night, on my second lap around the east side I noticed a woman who appeared to be in her seventies or so, strolling along the edge of the rose garden.  As I approached, it became clear that she was pausing at each rose and inhaling gently.  She wore a tender smile and seemed to be thoroughly savoring the scent of every flower, though clearly, all the same.

I giggled to myself at first at the fact that she was stopping… quite literally… to smell the roses.  And then it dawned on me that her presence is symbolic of the one lesson I am struggling most to learn.  I wrote last week of minding the gap; my constant battle with the seemingly all-too-frequent lulls in my life where nothing good seems to be happening.  And though my life coach promises that the process not the progress, is the only thing that matters, I assure you that this is not an effortless philosophy for me to abide by.

However, after my brief encounter with this woman in the rose garden I somehow felt lighter on my feet.  In fact, the rest of my run was pure joy.  The music flowing through my iPod seemed more upbeat, my pace was inexplicably stronger and my breath was more even. 

I couldn’t help but think that this perfect stranger in the park had unintentionally passed me some of her tranquil vibe.  And I was loving every second of it.  There was an intense feeling of gratitude that came with the spring in my step; something from the inside that prompted the ‘roses’ in my own life to start filtering through my mind one by one as I ran.

It went something like this…

I love the fact that I run… I love the fact that I live in a place that is warm and sunny most of the year… I love that I’m married to a man who not only loves me and supports me, but puts up with me when I’m moody and when I talk too much… I love that I have dreams and desires beyond what I can see at this very moment in time and I love that I am free to explore where those desires might actually take me.

Thinking of those things automatically triggered thoughts of how much I really have accomplished since beginning this quest.  I write a blog… something I only talked about months ago.  I wrote a treatment for a show… which is still just crazy to me, but seems more realistic now than it did when it was just a thought in my mind.  In fact, it was just over a year ago that I was making a list of things I enjoy doing in hopes of finding some sort of directional sign to my future… and now I’ve got a brand new resume full of projects that I have been blessed with that will give me experience I need for the next step.  But most of all, my life is FUN and that was the number one prerequisite that was on my list from the get go. 

I say all of this with the utmost humility.  It is certainly not to pat myself on the back for my progress.  Quite the opposite actually.  I think it’s more of a simple realization.

Maybe that is the true art of making progress.  When you start to enjoy the process, the progress you never knew you were making suddenly appears within your view.  And when you make progress that you can actually see, you like yourself more.  And when you like yourself more, your energy is different - kind of like the wise old woman in the park, who was able to pass along her contentment without so much as even a whisper. 

Ironically, maybe the gap doesn’t need any minding at all… maybe the gap is just God’s way of gently reminding us to slow down… and take time to smell the roses.

By now, you know that Chasing Possible is a reflection of my ongoing pursuit to dream up really big things for my life and then watch them unfold.  It is no accident then that meeting and falling in love with my now husband fits nicely into my really big life map.

In honor of the fact that we just celebrated our first anniversary of wedded bliss (translation: we survived!), I thought I would take a moment to hightlight just a few of the lessons we learned as newlyweds.

If you’ve ever been married, then some of these may sound familiar; then again, I’m quite sure many are unique to us and our own charming idiosyncrasies.  So far, it’s been a wild ride.  There have been days that only by the grace of God are we still married, but we are in fact still married and that’s what counts.

Keep in mind as you read that we opted not to live together before walking down the aisle, so we were combining all of our nicely perfected single-living routines under one roof and at times “happily ever after” felt a bit like, “oh my gosh… you’re never leaving.”  And I’ve learned that whatever you anticipate something is going to be, especially something as life-altering as marriage… you should just prepare yourself for the unexpected instead.  There will be less of a learning curve that way.

Of course, it wouldn’t be any fun had I made this list on my own, so I enlisted my ever-so-eager-to-help husband to offer his two cents on the matter.

That being said, here is our compiled list:

10 Things We Learned in Our First Year of Marriage:

1. EVERYTHING HAS A NEW SET OF RULES

Household chores, daily routines, control of the television remote, you name it.  Not to mention the dirty laundry pile has doubled in size, Oprah has been banned if my husband is anywhere near the living room and re-runs of “The Family Guy” evidently never get old.

2. MARRIAGE IS A SECRET CLUB

No matter what anybody tells you about marriage, they won’t tell you the truth until you’ve already walked down the aisle.  I heard more stories of adjusting to newlywed life after the wedding than I ever remember hearing before.  Then again, maybe I wasn’t listening.  My only question is, where were all of those helpful people before the wedding?

3. “I’M FINE” AND “NOTHING” MEAN THE EXACT SAME THING WHETHER YOU’RE A MAN OR A WOMAN

“I’m fine” means “I’m definitely not fine, but I’m not going to tell you that.”

“Nothing” usually means, “I’ll talk to you when I’m good and ready”, which by the way also means, “I refuse to talk about this issue until it has long been forgotten and we are arguing about something else entirely three months from now, at which point I’ll remind you of this very moment in time and then I’ll tell you what was going through my head.  But, regardless of when I choose to talk about it, you’ll regret it eventually.”

4. TALKING IS OVERRATED

I say this one a bit tongue-in-cheek because I like to talk about everything.  In fact, the easiest way for me to solve a problem is to verbally vomit all over my husband and then say, “So what do you think?” at which point he just sort of stares off into space, his brain clearly on overload and he finally says to me, “I don’t know… I don’t have all the facts.”  Um, hello… did I not just give you all the facts??  I’m slowly learning that to Bryan, talking is not necessary.  Everything in life can apparently be resolved by putting data into an Excel spreadsheet.

5. IT’S OKAY TO GO TO BED ANGRY

Let me reiterate this one… it’s okay to go to bed angry.  In fact, it’s also okay to find somewhere else in the house to sleep… the spare room, the couch, the bathroom floor… anywhere you won’t be able to hear the peaceful slumber of the person who fell asleep in a record 2.5 seconds after stating, “we can talk about this tomorrow.”

6. AGREE TO DISAGREE

It’s astonishing how things that never mattered when we were dating, matter now.  Take for instance the issue of coasters.  Some of us like to keep the coasters put away so the end tables are free of clutter… some of us like to keep the coasters out.  The same is true for the number of pillows on the bed and the order in which they are arranged.  Note that this can be applied to any number of minor differences of opinion thorughout the house.  In the end, it’s better to just state your case once and walk away.  Otherwise, you’ll end up adhering to Lesson #5.

7. ONE WOMAN’S TRASH CAN IS ANOTHER WOMAN’S CRACKER BOX (SEE ALSO LESSON #6)

I was prepared for the legendary arguments about toilet seats and toothpaste; I didn’t anticipate discussing things like whether or not the trash can is full (here’s a hint: if you have to stuff all the trash down with your entire body weight to make room… I’m pretty sure it’s full).  So, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry when a friend of mine recently lamented over her husband’s inability to close the cracker box after 27 years of marriage.  Twenty seven years!  Does that mean I really have to learn to let these things go?

8. MARRIAGE SHOULD COME WITH A HANDBOOK… OR AT LEAST A TRANSLATOR (SEE ALSO LESSON #3)

The phrase, “No rush, I’m ready when you are” actually means, “Hurry-the-Hell-up-my-blood-sugar-is-dropping-and-I’m-about-to-pass-out-can-we-please-go-to-dinner-and-do-you-really-need-anymore-hairspray??”

9. PMS IS NOT A JOKE

“Don’t take this the wrong way… but is it your time of the month?” is NEVER… I repeat… NEVER okay to ask… no matter what time of the month it is.

10. LOVE IS A FUNNY THING

Last, but certainly not least…

There is an old saying that life is change, growth is optional, choose wisely.  The road that lies ahead appears to be one that winds through highs and lows, but all in all, it’s still a road I wish to travel.  For it is during the moments of clarity and solitude that I remember all the good things this union has brought into my life.

It’s not just that my husband is there to protect me from the occasional spider that crawls around the shower basin or the fact that he is genuinely excited to see me at the end of a long work day.  It’s more about the fact that we chose one another to embark on this journey of life; one that will continue to surpirse us and challenge us as individuals and will make us more tolerant for what’s to come.

And as for that old saying, I’ve decided to modify the ending… instead of choosing wisely, I choose instead to laugh about it all.  For when there is laughter, life and marriage are not simply there to be endured, they are totally worth the effort.

My life coach has taught me many things and of those things I am most grateful for a basic three step process he provided to help me jump start change.  I owe much of what I know about chasing what’s possible to him and no matter how big or how much better my life gets, the same three steps always apply. 

As a side note, I’m sure you’ll hear me talk about my life coach repeatedly and it’s no accident because I sort of think the sun rises and sets with him and the advice that he’s given me.  I’d also like to note that his actual name is Glenn, not life coach, which is how I intend to refer to him from this point forward; because “life coach” is far too formal. 

Some history: Initially I went to therapy because I cried a lot… and I hated my job… and I wanted to leave my boyfriend of four years, but didn’t have the guts to do it.  My life was out of my control and I didn’t know how to fix the things I wanted to fix.  I expected that talking to a psychologist would help change me, but I got WAY more than I bargained for.

I went in with reservations because I didn’t want to cry in front of someone I didn’t know.  I didn’t want to spend a bunch of time talking about my childhood, my parents, or my unhealthy relationship with food.  And I certainly didn’t want to go if I had to sit on a couch… a reason purely based on my aversion to being cliche.

When I arrived at Glenn’s office the first time, I happened to notice a sign on the door that said, “Beginning now… your life can be different.”  As if God himself had hung it there because he knew that I needed the guarantee I was in the right place at the right time.

It was a now or never moment for me and I knew if I didn’t go through with it right then, I never would.  So after seeing my ’sign’ from God I eagerly walked in and sat down on what else, Glenn’s couch; faded and worn from the hours of therapy of those who’d gone before me.  I silently prepared myself for the interrogation I was sure awaited.

Ironically, Glenn never once asked me about my childhood, my parents, or my relationship with food.  He just wanted to know what I wanted.  As in, “What do you really want?”

It was the question of the hour.

“I don’t want to cry anymore…” I said, “I just want to be happy.”

And you know what he said?  He said, “Okay.”  As if it was that simple.

That day, Glenn taught me the three-step process through which I had the ability to change my circumstances immediately.  This process is still at the heart of everything I do today, which is why I’m writing about it now.  It’s my ‘Back to Basics’ plan that I return to again and again, when all else seems lost in the fog.

I’ll warn you that it sounds entirely too simplistic and crazy at first, but trust me when I tell you it works every time.

The crucial question in the equation is always the same - “What do I really want?”

Once you’ve answered honestly, the steps become simple.  Notice I said simple, not easy.  There is a distinct difference.

With that said, here’s my ‘Back to the Basics’ plan:

Creating a Life in 3 Simple Steps:

1. Get a clear vision of what you want.

2. Once you have a clear vision, that clear vision automatically becomes possible.  Once it becomes possible, it is your job to watch for opportunities that arise related to your vision.

3. When you see an opportunity, take action.

That’s it.

It couldn’t get any more basic if you tried.

Now, there are a few things I’d like to add about using this method.  I’ll dig deeper into these provisions in future posts, but for now here is the general outline:

1.  A clear vision about something without also stating the reasons WHY you want that something is not a clear vision, it’s a wish.  I unfortunately have made this mistake repeatedly.  The results of making a wish are not the same as having a clear vision.

2.  Timing is everything.  You control the vision, you don’t control the timing.  However, be prepared to take action on the possibilities that will arise almost immediately - they pop up when you least expect them.

3.  Your vision rarely appears in the form that you were expecting. 

4.  Your job is the what, not the how.  Simply state what it is that you want, don’t overthink how you’re going to get it.  Trust me; even if you try, the how is not in your control.

Of course, this is just the beginning of what Glenn taught me… I’m pretty sure he’d be out of business if this was the only piece of advice he had.  But this is a great place to start.  And what’s even better about going through these steps is the fact that you can use them in every area of your life, no matter how big or small the goal. 

I personally am going back to the drawing board this morning.  I’m in need of a little basic reassurance that I’m on the right road.  In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments… please feel free to email me or comment here.

Remember when you were five years old and adults would ask you the question, “So, what do you want to be when you grow up?”  Do you remember your answer?

Generally, five year olds have no problem answering this question.  They answer with genuine enthusiasm and the answer is always different.  The first time someone asks, they want to be a doctor and the very next day, a firefighter.

Five-year-olds don’t sit around and think about what might be the most logical choice.  They don’t stew over how much money they’ll need to pay their mortgage and their car payment and they certainly don’t overanalyze which careers seem to make the most sense based on their current lot in life.  After all, they’re five… if they dreamt of only being able to accomplish what one is capable of at age five; they certainly wouldn’t get very far.

Ironically, when you’re young, grown-ups think it’s cute if you’re a dreamer, but when you’re in your thirties or even older, people tend to say things like, “Oh, she must be having a mid-life crisis”.  The truth is, we should all be more like the five-year-olds we were and less like the adults we’ve become.  We might actually start making progress in the right direction.

Being five is the perfect age in my opinion.  You’re old enough to use your imagination with an incredible amount of detail, but still young enough to believe that being Superman or Wonder Woman is not entirely out of the question as a future profession.

Somewhere along the line though, most of us have taken off our capes and tucked them away in a drawer somewhere.  We grow up and we get “realistic” about our goals and most of the time, we forget all about those ingenious ideas we had way back then.

Every single person on this planet is born with the infinite ability to make their dreams come true, but life is challenging and most of us end up deterred and cynical.  We may even have good reason to be deterred and cynical, but what would happen if we took the focus off what hasn’t happened and instead focused solely on what could happen?

What if you stopped for one split second and asked yourself, “What do I want to be?”

I’ll warn you; this is a dangerous question.  My career is in complete upheaval because of this very question.

About a year ago, I was working as a self-employed small business consultant.  I was helping my client build an entirely new business from scratch.  He was making a change from being the owner of a successful recruiting firm to starting a seminar and coaching company called DigYourWork.  Through the workshops we created, I dared to take a look at my own career as it related to my overall happiness. 

Using one of the exercises we had developed, I sat down and got honest.  I definitely had more autonomy and more satisfaction being self-employed than I ever had as an employee, but something was still missing.  I enjoyed my work to a certain extent, but wasn’t excited about it.  I was good at it, but didn’t think there was any way to make it better.

I thought back to my own childhood and asked myself the question, “What have I always loved to do?”  Swing on monkey bars?  Eat ice cream?  What did I believe that I could do then, that now seemed implausible?  What’s the missing piece from my current career?

And you know what the answer was?  I want, in some capacity, to be a performer (television star, public speaker, you name it)… AND… I want to be rich and famous as a result of my performance… and hey, why stop there?  I want to be the next OPRAH!! 

Upon reviewing my answers, my logical self took over.  What on earth was I supposed to do with that information?  So, I did what I always did in these types of situations.  I picked up the phone and called for an emergency session with my life coach.

I knew there was nothing but truth that came out of that exercise.  I’ve always loved being the center of attention - starring in plays, performing in the family dining room after dinner, cheerleading in high school.  It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I decided I could no longer pursue something fun - I had to be responsible.

But therein lies the key… being responsible.  There is a responsibility that comes with making discoveries like this.  You get honest and uncover something that you may have always known was there, but you stuffed it down for this very reason; because now you have to do something about it.

My immediate thought was that I could not, under any circumstances, tell my soon-to-be-husband about this discovery.  He’d think I’m nuts.  I talked to my life coach; who told me I absolutely had to share my discovery… not only with my soon-to-be-husband, but with everyone I know.

I had no idea how to even broach the subject, so finally one night over dinner I just blurted out, “I talked to Glenn the other day and I want to be rich and famous.”

SILENCE

Him:  Okaaaaay.

Me:  And Glenn said that I should tell you about it and then write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the refrigerator so you and I will see it as a reminder that, that’s what I want.  He also said that I should start telling everyone I know.

Him:  Okaaaaay.

Me:  I don’t know how I’m going to be rich OR famous at this point, but it’s something that I really want and I think telling people about it and saying it out loud will help me figure it out.

Him:  Okay.

Talk about feeling five.

I realize that discoveries like these don’t happen every day.  And when they do happen, they feel heavy - because they are.  Especially when you realize it’s something that you want and you don’t want anyone else to know about it.  Maybe they’ll think you’re stupid.  Maybe they’ll make fun of your choice.  Or maybe, just maybe it’s the one thing you’ve always wanted most and you don’t want to consider the idea that you could try and then fail.

I was terrified to tell anyone about my dream for all of the reasons I’ve listed and then some.  But I can say with confidence that every time I say the words out loud, it gets a little easier and I believe that my BEST moments happen when I’m thinking like my inner five-year-old would and I challenge you to try it for yourself.  I’m telling you, there is nothing more freeing than dusting off your cape and pretending you can fly…

When was the last time you asked yourself what you really want to be when you grow up?  Odds are, the answer today is not far from the answer you gave way back when.

So, what are you waiting for?  Go ahead; I double-dare you.