Chasing Possible

Life is a series of starts and stops… beginnings and endings… a constant state of motion in which we are always moving somewhere and not quite in control of where that might be.  This is generally the place where time and space seem to stand still, even as life is clearly evolving full-speed ahead.

This blog has sadly been left unattended for months as my own life has ventured forth into new and exciting territory.  And now that I have given myself room to breathe, permission to explore and a fresh perspective from which to try on new pieces of my future, I am ready to begin again.

I have to admit that I am struggling against the part of me that thinks I should sit here and make a list of all the things I have accomplished in order to prove that my time away has been fruitful and productive.  But I am quickly reminded that approval is not what I seek and is the very part of me that I am working hard to tame.

What I will say instead is that I have forever been changed by quite a few things in recent months that will impact the rest of my life and the way it plays out.  By far the greatest of these changes has been learning first-hand that life is precious and doesn’t last nearly as long as we think it should.  And with that realization comes peace in the “not knowing” and surrendering my outcome in order to enjoy this very moment.

And I have much to enjoy.

A big part of my blogging experience to date has been findng my voice and figuring out what exactly I have to say to this great big world about me.  And in truth, the long-awaited answer to that question is… not a whole lot.  Because it’s really not about me.  My heart would rather write about what I care for most… people… and our connections to one another, our resilience, and our collective, amazing capabilities as human beings to live, to triumph, and to dream. 

I’m not even going to pretend to know what comes next, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this blog begins to reflect a new take on what Chasing Possible actually means.

For those of you who’ve waited patiently for new content… thank you.  And for those of you who’ve just arrived… I hope you’ll stick around for a while. 

This week I enrolled in a couple of fall writing courses through the UC Davis Extension program that are being taught by two amazing instructors.  My hope is that I will be able to fine-tune the writing skills that I’ve mainly used only as a hobby.

I am curiously nervous about this new venture.  School was never scary before and I’ve done well in other classes as an adult, but this feels strangely intimidating for some reason.

Maybe it’s because I sincerely want to do well or maybe more than that, I really want the instructors to like my work.

It’s interesting that our deepest-rooted fears seem to emerge when we least expect them to and this situation is no exception to that rule.  “It’s just a class!” I keep telling myself, but I cannot seem to permanently shoo the hum of anxiety that’s been buzzing around my subconscious.

In attempting to pinpoint exactly what it is that I’m afraid of, I realize that these classes are frightening because they matter to me… in a way that others have not.  It’s not a pass or fail; it’s something bigger than that.  Why is it that the stuff in our lives that we really, really want is the same stuff that causes us to stop short, left to wonder whether or not it’s a good idea to chase what matters?

I know you know what I’m talking about.  What if we were all challenged to use only the talents that matter most when choosing our work - be it singing, painting, cooking, or writing - wouldn’t the world be a much better place?

But we don’t.  And that’s a harsh reality.  We don’t because we think it’s easier not to think about it.  It’s easier to not put ourselves on the line.  We don’t because we fear that someone else might say, who are you to be doing that for a living?  When really what we should be saying is, who are you not to be?

I personally have written since I can remember.  My life in black and white resides within the cabinet drawers full of old journal entries, poems, letters and stories.  I joke that someday my great-grandkids are going to have a field day trying to weave my life story together by gathering these scraps of old binder paper and the backs of napkins.  And in that context, it is good that I write to my heart’s content because it’s therapeutic for me.

This blog is very much the same form of a creative outlet.  And though timid in the beginning about letting people see what’s on my heart, I’ve come to learn that if I write something that doesn’t read well or doesn’t sit well with someone, I’ll be forgiven.  You can take away whatever you like; use it, scrap it, or tell me I’m ridiculous.  It’s all just opinion and rhetoric and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter because my career potential doesn’t hang in the balance if you don’t like it (though of course, I hope that you do).

These classes however, are forcing me out of a different part of my comfort zone.  One that I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to move from; which is precisely why it must be the absolute right time to do so.

These instructors make a living with their writing and combined they have decades of knowledge and experience.  And though their teaching and feedback is something that I yearn for, the flip side is that their feedback also has the ability to potentially set the tone for the next step in my writing career.  They know what publishers want to buy and what sells in the magazines.  And what if I write from my heart and soul and they tell me it’s crap?  What if they tell me no one will ever buy what I’ve written?  They have an all-access pass to be candidly opinionated and to constructively criticize away, without so much as a pause… and the irony is that I’m paying good money for this.

And, if this piece of the big picture (writing for money) is missing, I might be forced to go back to the drawing board of my life and eliminate one major part of the “media mogul” game plan I’ve set for my future.

I do admit that there could be a teensy bit of dramatic flair built up in my mind around this whole situation, but there are definite undertones of truth that dwell within the sensational.

Fact is fact.  I’m human and I’m scared.  And that’s really the point I’m trying to make.  BUT… I intend to go forward anyway and the outcome will be what the outcome will be.

My life coach said to me just yesterday that the only way to get everything you want is to give everything you have.  And if I begin this new adventure with that one thing in mind, I simply cannot fail.  Right?

In the end, I will always have my blog and the loyal readers who don’t really care if I use too many commas, or if I start my sentences with “and”, or if I separate my thoughts with a dot, dot, dot… because that’s how they naturally flow in my mind.  And for that, I am thankful.

And of course, that leads me to ask, what’s something that you’ve been contemplating?  And when are you going to sign up?

Some weeks for me are peppered with events and tasks that seem to have no meaning and no real effect on my life, while others are loaded with messages that are far too obvious to ignore.

This week was chock-full of the latter.

I made a conscious decision early on this week to focus my attention less on being productive and more on listening to the world around me.  This was done for a number of reasons, most of which stem from not feeling well and suffering from insomnia.  Sickness is a sure sign that my body needs rest and is frequently brought about when my mind is overloaded and could use a vacation also.

I gave myself permission at the onset of the week to just be.  To feel what I wanted to feel (be it self-loathing, tired, sick, sad, good, fine, confused, frustrated, and occasionally even… happy) and to lighten my mental load with the constant reminder that the week was not intended to be productive.  No matter what.

The challenge in this exercise has been to allow space and time to continue moving around me while gathering up the significant pieces of wisdom as they land in my lap.

And after neatly folding away my ego and locking the critical voices in the closet, I can say that this assignment was far more productive than any completed task list would have been.

When we tune in to our ability to listen, we gain far more knowledge than any book, show, or high-priced education could ever give us.  And with that knowledge comes a certain sense of inexplicable peace.

Given that I tend to err on the side of over-achievement, it is especially satisfying for me to notice how much I actually learn when I let go of how things ought to be and instead allow simply existing to be an okay state of mind.  In fact, I’m certain that my ambitions would sooner be realized if I could only retrain my mind to consider this as fact.

I have been reminded this week of many things, all of which have value; however, the following is my newly compiled list of rules I should remember to live by:

1.  Don’t be afraid to lean on people when you need them most.  This week I’ve had the good fortune of sharing conversation with a true walking miracle; have dined, laughed, and sought advice from some of the funniest, most intelligent women writers I know; I’ve discussed business, been given the gift of learning from a coaching client, and had a phone call with my mom who knows the value in listening as I sob about my trivial frustrations in life.  I caught up with a long-distance friend about funny nightmare summer vacations and the joys (and trials) of parenting; and I’ve learned from my husband who is talented, intelligent, sensible and amazing beyond measure.  I’ve also been touched by countless others who affected me with their hellos, their smiles, and their kindness, without even knowing they did.  I say all of this to show that every single one of these people had an impact on me.  Every one of them said something or did something that added sunshine and insight to my life that wasn’t there before and it took me being quiet to appreciate just how lucky I am.

2.  Do the work.  This is a tough one for me because I’m an idea girl.  My mind continually swims with new… better… what if… and so on.  but this message has resounded in almost every conversation I’ve had this week.  Don’t think, just do.  Make a disciplined effort.  Write five minutes a day.  Make one phone call.  Put one foot in front of the other.  It’s okay to glance at the big picture every now and again if necessary, but stop thinking about it and just get to work.  There is no step two without a step one.  Do step one.

3.  Fully explore every opportunity.  Even if it leads you down a dead end road.  Even if you have to turn around and come back to step one, you’re still better off.  You’ll never know the answer unless you check things out.  Don’t be left wondering what might have been.  Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy for going in a hundred different directions.  Eventually, one of those opportunities is going to stick and when it does, you’ll be thankful for your time and effort.

4.  The choice is ALWAYS yours.  Let me repeat.  The choice is ALWAYS yours.  Being forced or bullied, or guilted into something sucks.  But it sucks even worse when you wake up and realize that you allowed yourself to be forced, bullied or guilted into doing what it was you didn’t want to do.  The same goes for stuff you do want to do… really.  What’s stopping you?  Did the excuse wagon pull up in front of your house and dump its load?  No?  Then make a choice.

5.  The choice, though yours, is not always easy.  Enough said.

6.  Patience is a virtue.  One of my all time least favorites.  I actually heard a great summation of this one… you can’t plant your wheat one day and harvest it the next.  This will take practice for me.  I want everything and I want it now.  But there is something magical about learning how to live without expectation of when things should happen.  Because if you’re too busy living than the very things that you want, seem to just happen when you least expect them to - and I don’t know about you, but I LOVE IT when that happens.

7.  Know your strengths.  And play to them.  Why do we insist on making life way more difficult than it needs to be?  We’re in jobs we don’t like, enduring relationships we know aren’t right for us, and saying yes to attend events we’re not even sure sound like fun.  Square peg?  Round hole?  Stop trying to play mind tricks on yourself and just go with what you know you’re good at and what will make you happy.  As women especially, I think we’re pre-wired to want to please, which makes this lesson even more appropriate.

8.  Don’t force what isn’t happening.  Just be.  And more importantly, be okay with that.

9.  The world will in fact keep spinning (and no, it does not revolve around you).  Whether you want to believe it or not, once we truly embrace the mentality that “this too shall pass”, we open ourselves up to the idea that moments were meant to be enjoyed and there is more to life than how many items are on our to-do lists, how much money is in our checking account, and that our lives won’t end because our favorite television show didn’t record correctly on the DVR.  It’s true.

10.  Be gentle with yourself.  We only get one shot at this life… and making sure that we give ourselves enough love and support and kudos and breathing room is essential to making the most of the life we’ve got.  The bonus with this one is that the more we love ourselves, the more love we have to give away.  It doesn’t get any better than that.

On that note… I’m off to enjoy my relaxing night in, with my favorite pajamas, my friends on the Food Network, and a glass of delightful red wine. 

Until next week…

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Fear has been my topic of choice lately; presumably because I am navigating my own intensely fear-driven phase right now.

And the truth is that though I appear to be a risk-loving, leap-of-faith-taking maven, I’m really just a big chicken cloaked in a cape of blind ambition.

No… really.

When I was young it took me years to get up the courage to ride a roller coaster that went upside down.  I spent the better part of my childhood standing in line, watching the train of roller coaster cars whoosh past me in the landing house.  Finally, when it was my turn to board… I’d step all the way through the seats and walk back out to the entrance, silently watching as my friends waved down to me on their way up the first climb.

I had the same issue with the high dive at the community pool.  I spent an entire summer timidly tip-toeing out to the edge of that springboard and peering into the chlorinated waves below until I actually got up the nerve one day to jump.

God forbid anyone ever push me.  I was okay with being afraid.  I was only prepared to do things that I was ready to do and not until I was ready to do them.

Surely, I could sit here and tell you how I’ve since figured out a way to beat that timid girl into submission and how I now charge courageously into my future with no hesitation.

But that would be a lie.

I have overcome obstacles in my path, yes, and I’ve done things that have surprised even me, but I still continue to battle the surges of fear that rush through me when I least expect it.

That said, I decided to sort through my fear-related issues and have written about them here in hopes of clearing a path to my next leap.  Maybe you can relate.

I’ve learned that when I am most afraid of my own situation, I tend to talk about other peoples’ fears incessantly.  (Mom, are you reading this?)  And then I try to force them into leaping first… kind of a subconscious “you go, then I’ll go” tactic.  But you cannot make someone else leap; no matter how hard you try, even if you know they want to.  Secretly trying to make them leap seems to temporarily disconnect your focus from your own fears to theirs.  But every single one of us has to overcome our own high dive on our own terms.  Period.

I’ve also learned that no matter how many times I go through this process, it’s still scary.  You know how they say the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward?  Yeah, well for me the bigger the risk, the more I feel like hiding under a rock so as not to come face to face with my fear.

I do know myself well enough to know the exact moment that it’s time to leap.  But first, there is always that moment before that exact moment when I hesitate.  I can sense when something really big is at work in my life and there just might be more to it than what I can actually see with my own eyes… and I know I should go for it, but I still hesitate… waiting for some sort of definitive bolt to shoot down from the clouds and tell me exactly what the “right” answer is.  I stand there in pause, as if I might actually figure out at some point what I “should” do.

But then I remember that there are no “right” answers, only answers that are right for me.  And I shouldn’t do anything… except be true to my own soul.

And even though I know this, I still tend to lean on being “confused” as my go-to emotion as though that excuse alone can prevent any sort of failure.  Too bad I’ve been taught that there is no such thing as confusion.  Confusion is simply a label for not wanting to make a decision; for fear that it might just be the wrong decision. 

I saw a quote today that summed this up perfectly.  “Faith is believing in advance what only makes sense in reverse.” (Charles Swindoll)  This is where instinct takes over and you have to just go with your gut.  All the wisdom in the world can’t tell you what your heart already knows and when you finally decide… you just go… and you don’t look back, because you can’t.  And it’s terrifying to see that all the arrows are pointing down one obvious road, but you still feel sick because what if that road is the wrong road?

Trust me, stuck in contemplation is no picnic.  Leap… or get left behind.  There is no in-between.

Thankfully, we are born equipped with this instinct and if we learn how to follow it, it rarely steers us wrong.  After all, how does any good business person get to the top of their game?  Instinct.  We’ve all experienced this in some form or another where we can’t even explain the decisions we’ve made except to say that we just “knew”.

So for me right now, I already know that I know the answer.  I’ve been working on this solo career path long enough to know that what I’ve been asking for has squarely presented itself to me.  And even though I know it’s the right choice, and it’s good for me and good for my future, and it’s exactly in line with what I wanted… I’m still afraid.

Where am I leaping, you ask?

I’m still working out the details.  But my first order of business is to just say YES and then get moving.

In the meantime, what do you know about fear that might be worth sharing?  Is there a roller coaster in your own life that might finally be worth stepping onto?

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Of course, it’s fear itself.  Surely, one of the finest proclamations in history, is it not?  And yet, so few of us actually seize the opportunities we are given to implement this wisdom.  Why?

Because we’re afraid… that’s why.

We’re afraid that we might actually reach for something higher than the inferior set of standards by which we’ve become accustom and instead we tell ourselves that tomorrow might be a better day to take that leap, or make that call, or ask that question, or think that way.

A week ago, my wedding photographer (who I love, by the way… go here to see their amazing work), commented on a blog post that I wrote and forwarded me a link to another blog she thought was similar in nature to Chasing Possible.

After visiting said blog and reading through the most recent entries, my response was… OH. MY. GOSH.  I must figure out a way to meet this person.  He IS Chasing Possible.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m a self-help junkie and I’m easily moved by inspirational stories.  But even though that’s true, it’s rare such a story ignites my enthusiasm to the point of being jolted from my desk chair like a crazed sports fan in the last seconds of a title-clenching championship as I read.

I found myself all alone in my office, yelling at my computer screen… “Just do it, David!  Jump!” as if he might somehow hear me when I speak directly into my keyboard.

The blog I’m referencing is called “Jump David, Jump” and the author of this blog was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor (which by the way is not the reason for my crazed sports fan behavior, nor is it the reason I’m screaming for him to “jump”).  His tumor is not what makes this story impactful… well it’s partially why… but let me explain.

What makes this story so fascinating is how he has taken his prognosis and turned it into opportunity to face his fear.  Not the fear of his tumor, mind you, the fear of what’s behind it.  He’s responding to his diagnosis and trips to various doctors and specialists by combining his medical discoveries with an honest dose of self-reflection and he delivers it with humor and sincerity.

This all ties together… I promise.

In David’s latest post (which I read this afternoon), there is a passage that explains fear far better than I ever could and also explains the reason why we don’t instinctively face our fears head on…

Here is exactly what he wrote:

“It’s so hard to bare your soul to the world and honestly say, ‘This is me. This is what I hold deep down inside as the hope for my future. And if this goes bad, if my hopes are offered to the world and I fail miserably, I’ve got nothing left. What I thought was at the core of my true being turned out to be a failure. And now, because I opened my big mouth, everybody knows what a loser I am…”

THIS, ladies and gentleman, is what TRUTH in FEAR looks like.

What we hold inside and never let out can eventually make us sick, cynical, crazy, depressed, or any other rotten combination of emotionally dysfunctional versions of ourselves.  And for what?  To save ourselves the pain and agony of ridicule?  Well, I have news for you.  David’s onto something. 

The longer you hold back on what it is you actually want… the longer you’ll have to endure the type of ridicule that’s way worse than all the people you’re linked to on Facebook, laughing at you simultaneously.  Self-doubt is way worse than that.  Face it, we package fear and hand it to ourselves like it’s a gift.  We are our own worst enemies.

One of my very first posts was about the innocence of who we are at the age of five (go here if you want to read about it) and the fact that we believe we can do anything, be anything or have anything.  It’s such a universal truth in fact, that Walt Disney built an empire on that innocence and imagination.

However, somewhere along the way, something happens to us.  We go through life and people tell us we’re stupid, and we’re teased by our peers, and we suffer mass amounts of hurt and disappointment or worse… things so unimaginable that I wouldn’t even know how to write about them because my life was a cake walk in comparison.

And we use all that “life garbage” and turn it into our own version of the truth.  And we hand over our mental money and buy into the idea that whatever bad thing anybody ever told us to be true about ourselves must in fact, be true.  Otherwise, they wouldn’t have said it… right?

So, here’s my question:

What will it take to get you to scrap that idea and face the fear?

My hope is that your answer does not involve a brain tumor.  My hope is that something else will spark your need to discover your own unique something that’s calling you out of your own comfort zone and leading you directly into the fear you work so hard to avoid.

And the only rule in facing that fear is this: HONESTY RULES.  Because the moment you get honest is the moment you are forced to leap.  That is also the exact moment you will undoubtedly encounter that very fear… and your only option is to move through it.  It’s not even required that you move through it with grace and style.  You can trudge through it like a soldier covered in mud and moss by the time you’re on the other side, but the point is… move through it.

I actually want to open this topic for discussion because I’m curious.

What is your biggest fear?  Or maybe more appropriate… What is the biggest lie you tell yourself, regularly?

Is it that you’re not adequate?  Or is it that you might just be equipped beyond your wildest dreams to do something you never thought possible, but fear is getting in your way?

What is the worst that could happen if you try and then fail?

And finally… what on earth are you waiting for?

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I planned on writing all about the definition of confusion today… but I think I’ll save that post for a later date since my focus is elsewhere this afternoon.

Instead I’m going to spotlight the topic of faith.  Specifically, trusting that we can have all we want; without exception.

I’ve heard quite a bit of chatter lately about being intentional.  About creating a vision board and other concepts like it, a la THE SECRET.  And I don’t disagree with that notion; however I find it peculiar that nobody ever really addresses what is supposed to happen during the isolating time that appears after you’ve clearly stated your intention.  You know, the part where you’re patiently (or in my case, not so patiently) waiting for the result of said intention.

I understand logic as well as anyone and know that ideas and intentions take time to formulate and I also know that, even in this microwave society, it takes more than merely blinking to see things come to fruition.  I mean really, if everyone had the power to will a million dollar check into their mailbox without really having to work for it, then we’d all be rich and I for one, would not be writing this blog… I’d be in Fiji.

I’ve been taught the process of intention like this:  get clear about what you want; ask specifically for what you want; and then take action to move toward what you want… In that order.  At that point, things are ideally supposed to come to you in a myriad of ways, none of which you could have predicted.  It’s actually a really cool process to witness; when you’re in the right frame of mind.

Apparently, today is not one of those right-frame-of-mind kind of days for me.

I mentioned in my post Minding the Gap, that my husband and I are in the midst of selling our downtown condo in hopes of happily taking up residence in suburbia.  We’re both ready and anxious to make this happen for a number of reasons.  We’re in need of a bit more space (where we can invite more than two people at a time for dinner), a little bit more privacy (so our living room wall is not shared with someone else’s), and a lot more yard (100 square foot patio, anyone?).  However, we’re learning that making the decision to sell and move is one thing.  Being patient in the process is an entirely different story.  Oh, and did I mention that the real estate market is not exactly booming at the moment?

In our anticipation of moving and of finding a home that we can live in forever (oh, okay… so at least the next five years), nearly every weekend for the last four to five months has been consumed with house hunting.  We have endlessly searched for our dream house with all the dreamy features we could ever possibly hope for; setting our intention of course, on finding something better than amazing.

And we found the perfect house.

This house has EVERYTHING on our list.  Including some things that were too good to be true.  We knew for certain upon the first walk-through that this would be “our” house and we’ve pretty much been calling it that ever since.  We talk about it, we think about it, we verbally arrange furniture, and even drive by it every time we’re in the neighborhood (or within 5 miles of the neighborhood… which, come to think about it… is it possible to be arrested for stalking a residential dwelling?) 

In the meantime, we keep telling each other that being patient will surely pay off.  The timing is going to line up and the rest will be history… something to tell our children about.  Why, yes… we’ll sell our house; negotiate a great price on our new house and TAH-DAH!  Moving Day!  Tears!  Hugs!  Pictures of my husband giddily carrying me across the threshold!  Pop the champagne everyone and call the caterer because it’s time for a house warming party!  I think you get the idea.

Then today… out of nowhere… our plan was thwarted.  Someone else is buying our dream house.  We didn’t anticipate this part of the intentional process… the part where someone else swoops in before our house is sold and makes an offer before we can.

Now, if I were to put on my real estate hat for just a second and pretend that I was talking with a client of mine, I would ever so calmly remind them that if this house was meant to be, it will be.  And I would also assure them that everything happens for a reason because I know for a fact that it does.  And I would tell them that if this isn’t the house then the one they will end up buying will be much better by comparison.

But I’m not talking to my client, I’m talking to myself.  And I’m having a difficult time swallowing this one; which is why it’s even more critical for me right now to remember what it means to keep the faith.

Ironically, I was actually thinking about faith just yesterday.  Faith, by definition, is having confidence or trust in something you cannot see; a belief that is not based on proof.  My thoughts yesterday related more to my career than to my house (because I honestly felt a sense of peace about the whole house situation), but in retrospect the same theory applies.

It’s interesting to me when things like this happen because on one hand I have the ability to step outside of the situation and see things from a logical perspective.  I know without a doubt that things will work out exactly the way they’re supposed to.  However, it’s not always easy to see past the initial cloud of disappointment.  And instead of simply trusting that this too is a part of the master plan, I quickly sink into a doubt-filled abyss whereby I believe for a split second that the sky might actually fall.  I know… I know… it’s a bit dramatic.

Conversely, I am able to look backwards in my life and plainly see the areas in which my faith has served me well.  It seems that every time I let go of an ideal I get something even greater in return.  However, it is the letting go… the leaping… that is habitually my reason for pause.  Will it work this time?  I wonder.  Will I plummet without the safety net and regret having leapt in the first place?

Never once have I failed with faith as my parachute and yet I continue to question its validity.  Why?  Classic human nature?  Or an attraction to insanity?

See… it is in the leaping that we find out what we’re truly made of.  God doesn’t give us choices and push us out to the ledge only to let us tumble to our demise.  Rather, he asks us to trust that he’s got the big stuff already handled and that he heard our request.  And all we have to do is just let go.

That’s hard.

And so it goes… my heart says I know the answer.  My head insists on first having a debate until I finally exhaust my ability to over-analyze and finally just let go.

Wouldn’t it be easier to simply trust from the get-go?  And if I did… would the lapse in time between setting my intention and getting what I want be rapid by comparison?  Probably.  But even as complicated as I make it, I still know that this back-and-forth process by which I finally conclude that faith is my only option, is the very same process that makes the end result so sweet.

And so I leap… remembering that it’s not up to me to decide how I get to where I want to go… and as soon as I remember that, I cannot wait for the surprise of where I land.

I just finished reading a book called “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.  It took me all of two days to read because it’s so small, but it’s crammed with unbelievably impactful insight.  Without giving too much away, the book is based on the idea that we are born as perfect little beings and then over the course of time we continually make “agreements” with ourselves both consciously and subconsciously about our belief system.  It is up to us as adults to redefine those beliefs and create new agreements that are healthier and that help us live richer lives.

I don’t know about you, but I personally could use a little re-write on the agreements that I have with myself and the subtle ways in which I use these agreements to stand in the way of my own progress.

Obviously, everyone has a completely different set of circumstances from their childhood.  I don’t believe “normal” childhoods exist - no matter how “normal” your family appeared.  We all have something in our history that helps us contribute to the walking mob of psychosis that we are today; be it right, wrong, or indifferent.

Your home life, your school experience, your friends, and your religion all play a part in the agreements you make with yourself about what is true and what is not.

This theory works down to the tiniest, most obsolete detail in our lives even if there is no rhyme or reason for that agreement.  Example:  The first time I ever lived away from my house I was 19.  I moved into an apartment with my very best girlfriend and the first time we unpacked our groceries together, I immediately placed the loaf of bread in the microwave for storage.  Why?  Because that’s what my mom did.  No other reason.  I grew up believing that’s where everyone stored their loaf of bread.  My best friend thought I was crazy and it prompted me to ask my mom for an explanation.  Apparently, we stored the bread in the microwave because our kitchen was so small; we didn’t have anywhere else to put it so she made the microwave double as a bread box.  No wonder my friend thought I was nuts.

See?  It doesn’t matter what the reason is… our belief system is so ingrained in our very being, that we (a) most of the time aren’t even aware that we believe certain things and (b) if we’re adamant about certain beliefs, we sometimes don’t even know why.  Most of us don’t even question what our belief system is anymore, we just go about life in the way we always have. 

I do have a point… which I’m getting to.

“The Four Agreements” was an interesting read for me because it made me aware of my belief system.  And like it or not, I have agreements that I made with myself, God only knows when, that commit me to believing things like, I’m not good enough… I can’t have what I want… I shouldn’t dream any bigger because I don’t want to get my hopes up… the list goes on.  And even though I’ve made a TON of progress in re-working these beliefs, they somehow sneak up on me when I least expect it.

Today, it became crystal clear that I still have some major obstacles to overcome in order to get where I want to go.  And ironically, given that my outside world tends to match the lessons that I need to learn most, it ties into “The Four Agreements” message.

I’m part of an accountability group and in that group we discuss and brainstorm our progress as it relates to the dreams we are trying to achieve.  During our conversation this afternoon I become painfully aware that I spend a lot of time complaining that I don’t seem to be getting where I want to go fast enough (i.e. getting paid to do what I want to do) and yet I am also painfully aware that I can’t seem to get out of my way.

I have this ingrained belief that I can’t.  Now, who knows where it came from… and the fact is it doesn’t really matter where it came from.  The “why” behind any of our behaviors doesn’t really matter.  I was told once that the “why” is the booby prize, because really… what do you gain from knowing the answer to the question?  Absolutely nothing.  Unless you’re ready to take action, the why doesn’t really make a difference. 

SO… as I was whining on my conference call today about how I really would like to make some money and I can’t seem to figure out how to make that happen, one of my accountability partners ever-so-candidly pointed out to me that I have a couple of choices… I can either take myself out and get a part-time job and work on my dream during the other part-time hours of my week… or I can choose to continue working the way I’m working and just make it work until I make some money - be it tomorrow or six months from now.  Either way, I should just choose and stop talking about it.

And so goes the cycle.  Sometimes I play the part of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory all too well… “I want a chocolate factory daddy… and I want it NOOOOOOOWWW!”

There is only one thing stopping me from making my dreams a reality sooner rather than later, and I am sure that one thing is ME.  I say I want, and then I get lost in the fear of (fill in the blank here)… failure, insecurity, self-doubt, what if’s, worst case scenarios, and uncertainty.  And most of this happens behind the scenes - I say I can on the outside… and then there’s a hidden little voice that says I can’t.  And most times I don’t even hear it, that’s how subtle it is.

That being said, I’m in need of exploring a new system.  I wish I could tell you that I’m going to wrap up this post and tie it with a nice little bow for presentation, but that would not be honest.  Let’s just say that I finished the book and now I’m thinking what a daunting task it will be to create new agreements with myself!

This is the part where I get to admit again to being a work in progress.  And I suppose for now… that’s good enough.  But I’m curious… does anyone else out there have the same problem with their own agreements?  If so, how do you internally combat the agreements you’ve made?

If you have insight… hit me with it.

I live three blocks from the State Capitol Building.  The park that serves as the picturesque backdrop for this building is bustling this time of year with politicians, state workers, and tourists alike.  It is around the perimeter of this fine park that I go for my daily run.  I choose to run there for many reasons, most of which are logical - it is three blocks from my house, one lap around is one mile and therefore easy to track my distance, and it’s safe (relatively speaking, anyway).

Last night, on my second lap around the east side I noticed a woman who appeared to be in her seventies or so, strolling along the edge of the rose garden.  As I approached, it became clear that she was pausing at each rose and inhaling gently.  She wore a tender smile and seemed to be thoroughly savoring the scent of every flower, though clearly, all the same.

I giggled to myself at first at the fact that she was stopping… quite literally… to smell the roses.  And then it dawned on me that her presence is symbolic of the one lesson I am struggling most to learn.  I wrote last week of minding the gap; my constant battle with the seemingly all-too-frequent lulls in my life where nothing good seems to be happening.  And though my life coach promises that the process not the progress, is the only thing that matters, I assure you that this is not an effortless philosophy for me to abide by.

However, after my brief encounter with this woman in the rose garden I somehow felt lighter on my feet.  In fact, the rest of my run was pure joy.  The music flowing through my iPod seemed more upbeat, my pace was inexplicably stronger and my breath was more even. 

I couldn’t help but think that this perfect stranger in the park had unintentionally passed me some of her tranquil vibe.  And I was loving every second of it.  There was an intense feeling of gratitude that came with the spring in my step; something from the inside that prompted the ‘roses’ in my own life to start filtering through my mind one by one as I ran.

It went something like this…

I love the fact that I run… I love the fact that I live in a place that is warm and sunny most of the year… I love that I’m married to a man who not only loves me and supports me, but puts up with me when I’m moody and when I talk too much… I love that I have dreams and desires beyond what I can see at this very moment in time and I love that I am free to explore where those desires might actually take me.

Thinking of those things automatically triggered thoughts of how much I really have accomplished since beginning this quest.  I write a blog… something I only talked about months ago.  I wrote a treatment for a show… which is still just crazy to me, but seems more realistic now than it did when it was just a thought in my mind.  In fact, it was just over a year ago that I was making a list of things I enjoy doing in hopes of finding some sort of directional sign to my future… and now I’ve got a brand new resume full of projects that I have been blessed with that will give me experience I need for the next step.  But most of all, my life is FUN and that was the number one prerequisite that was on my list from the get go. 

I say all of this with the utmost humility.  It is certainly not to pat myself on the back for my progress.  Quite the opposite actually.  I think it’s more of a simple realization.

Maybe that is the true art of making progress.  When you start to enjoy the process, the progress you never knew you were making suddenly appears within your view.  And when you make progress that you can actually see, you like yourself more.  And when you like yourself more, your energy is different - kind of like the wise old woman in the park, who was able to pass along her contentment without so much as even a whisper. 

Ironically, maybe the gap doesn’t need any minding at all… maybe the gap is just God’s way of gently reminding us to slow down… and take time to smell the roses.

By now, you know that Chasing Possible is a reflection of my ongoing pursuit to dream up really big things for my life and then watch them unfold.  It is no accident then that meeting and falling in love with my now husband fits nicely into my really big life map.

In honor of the fact that we just celebrated our first anniversary of wedded bliss (translation: we survived!), I thought I would take a moment to hightlight just a few of the lessons we learned as newlyweds.

If you’ve ever been married, then some of these may sound familiar; then again, I’m quite sure many are unique to us and our own charming idiosyncrasies.  So far, it’s been a wild ride.  There have been days that only by the grace of God are we still married, but we are in fact still married and that’s what counts.

Keep in mind as you read that we opted not to live together before walking down the aisle, so we were combining all of our nicely perfected single-living routines under one roof and at times “happily ever after” felt a bit like, “oh my gosh… you’re never leaving.”  And I’ve learned that whatever you anticipate something is going to be, especially something as life-altering as marriage… you should just prepare yourself for the unexpected instead.  There will be less of a learning curve that way.

Of course, it wouldn’t be any fun had I made this list on my own, so I enlisted my ever-so-eager-to-help husband to offer his two cents on the matter.

That being said, here is our compiled list:

10 Things We Learned in Our First Year of Marriage:

1. EVERYTHING HAS A NEW SET OF RULES

Household chores, daily routines, control of the television remote, you name it.  Not to mention the dirty laundry pile has doubled in size, Oprah has been banned if my husband is anywhere near the living room and re-runs of “The Family Guy” evidently never get old.

2. MARRIAGE IS A SECRET CLUB

No matter what anybody tells you about marriage, they won’t tell you the truth until you’ve already walked down the aisle.  I heard more stories of adjusting to newlywed life after the wedding than I ever remember hearing before.  Then again, maybe I wasn’t listening.  My only question is, where were all of those helpful people before the wedding?

3. “I’M FINE” AND “NOTHING” MEAN THE EXACT SAME THING WHETHER YOU’RE A MAN OR A WOMAN

“I’m fine” means “I’m definitely not fine, but I’m not going to tell you that.”

“Nothing” usually means, “I’ll talk to you when I’m good and ready”, which by the way also means, “I refuse to talk about this issue until it has long been forgotten and we are arguing about something else entirely three months from now, at which point I’ll remind you of this very moment in time and then I’ll tell you what was going through my head.  But, regardless of when I choose to talk about it, you’ll regret it eventually.”

4. TALKING IS OVERRATED

I say this one a bit tongue-in-cheek because I like to talk about everything.  In fact, the easiest way for me to solve a problem is to verbally vomit all over my husband and then say, “So what do you think?” at which point he just sort of stares off into space, his brain clearly on overload and he finally says to me, “I don’t know… I don’t have all the facts.”  Um, hello… did I not just give you all the facts??  I’m slowly learning that to Bryan, talking is not necessary.  Everything in life can apparently be resolved by putting data into an Excel spreadsheet.

5. IT’S OKAY TO GO TO BED ANGRY

Let me reiterate this one… it’s okay to go to bed angry.  In fact, it’s also okay to find somewhere else in the house to sleep… the spare room, the couch, the bathroom floor… anywhere you won’t be able to hear the peaceful slumber of the person who fell asleep in a record 2.5 seconds after stating, “we can talk about this tomorrow.”

6. AGREE TO DISAGREE

It’s astonishing how things that never mattered when we were dating, matter now.  Take for instance the issue of coasters.  Some of us like to keep the coasters put away so the end tables are free of clutter… some of us like to keep the coasters out.  The same is true for the number of pillows on the bed and the order in which they are arranged.  Note that this can be applied to any number of minor differences of opinion thorughout the house.  In the end, it’s better to just state your case once and walk away.  Otherwise, you’ll end up adhering to Lesson #5.

7. ONE WOMAN’S TRASH CAN IS ANOTHER WOMAN’S CRACKER BOX (SEE ALSO LESSON #6)

I was prepared for the legendary arguments about toilet seats and toothpaste; I didn’t anticipate discussing things like whether or not the trash can is full (here’s a hint: if you have to stuff all the trash down with your entire body weight to make room… I’m pretty sure it’s full).  So, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry when a friend of mine recently lamented over her husband’s inability to close the cracker box after 27 years of marriage.  Twenty seven years!  Does that mean I really have to learn to let these things go?

8. MARRIAGE SHOULD COME WITH A HANDBOOK… OR AT LEAST A TRANSLATOR (SEE ALSO LESSON #3)

The phrase, “No rush, I’m ready when you are” actually means, “Hurry-the-Hell-up-my-blood-sugar-is-dropping-and-I’m-about-to-pass-out-can-we-please-go-to-dinner-and-do-you-really-need-anymore-hairspray??”

9. PMS IS NOT A JOKE

“Don’t take this the wrong way… but is it your time of the month?” is NEVER… I repeat… NEVER okay to ask… no matter what time of the month it is.

10. LOVE IS A FUNNY THING

Last, but certainly not least…

There is an old saying that life is change, growth is optional, choose wisely.  The road that lies ahead appears to be one that winds through highs and lows, but all in all, it’s still a road I wish to travel.  For it is during the moments of clarity and solitude that I remember all the good things this union has brought into my life.

It’s not just that my husband is there to protect me from the occasional spider that crawls around the shower basin or the fact that he is genuinely excited to see me at the end of a long work day.  It’s more about the fact that we chose one another to embark on this journey of life; one that will continue to surpirse us and challenge us as individuals and will make us more tolerant for what’s to come.

And as for that old saying, I’ve decided to modify the ending… instead of choosing wisely, I choose instead to laugh about it all.  For when there is laughter, life and marriage are not simply there to be endured, they are totally worth the effort.

My life coach has taught me many things and of those things I am most grateful for a basic three step process he provided to help me jump start change.  I owe much of what I know about chasing what’s possible to him and no matter how big or how much better my life gets, the same three steps always apply. 

As a side note, I’m sure you’ll hear me talk about my life coach repeatedly and it’s no accident because I sort of think the sun rises and sets with him and the advice that he’s given me.  I’d also like to note that his actual name is Glenn, not life coach, which is how I intend to refer to him from this point forward; because “life coach” is far too formal. 

Some history: Initially I went to therapy because I cried a lot… and I hated my job… and I wanted to leave my boyfriend of four years, but didn’t have the guts to do it.  My life was out of my control and I didn’t know how to fix the things I wanted to fix.  I expected that talking to a psychologist would help change me, but I got WAY more than I bargained for.

I went in with reservations because I didn’t want to cry in front of someone I didn’t know.  I didn’t want to spend a bunch of time talking about my childhood, my parents, or my unhealthy relationship with food.  And I certainly didn’t want to go if I had to sit on a couch… a reason purely based on my aversion to being cliche.

When I arrived at Glenn’s office the first time, I happened to notice a sign on the door that said, “Beginning now… your life can be different.”  As if God himself had hung it there because he knew that I needed the guarantee I was in the right place at the right time.

It was a now or never moment for me and I knew if I didn’t go through with it right then, I never would.  So after seeing my ’sign’ from God I eagerly walked in and sat down on what else, Glenn’s couch; faded and worn from the hours of therapy of those who’d gone before me.  I silently prepared myself for the interrogation I was sure awaited.

Ironically, Glenn never once asked me about my childhood, my parents, or my relationship with food.  He just wanted to know what I wanted.  As in, “What do you really want?”

It was the question of the hour.

“I don’t want to cry anymore…” I said, “I just want to be happy.”

And you know what he said?  He said, “Okay.”  As if it was that simple.

That day, Glenn taught me the three-step process through which I had the ability to change my circumstances immediately.  This process is still at the heart of everything I do today, which is why I’m writing about it now.  It’s my ‘Back to Basics’ plan that I return to again and again, when all else seems lost in the fog.

I’ll warn you that it sounds entirely too simplistic and crazy at first, but trust me when I tell you it works every time.

The crucial question in the equation is always the same - “What do I really want?”

Once you’ve answered honestly, the steps become simple.  Notice I said simple, not easy.  There is a distinct difference.

With that said, here’s my ‘Back to the Basics’ plan:

Creating a Life in 3 Simple Steps:

1. Get a clear vision of what you want.

2. Once you have a clear vision, that clear vision automatically becomes possible.  Once it becomes possible, it is your job to watch for opportunities that arise related to your vision.

3. When you see an opportunity, take action.

That’s it.

It couldn’t get any more basic if you tried.

Now, there are a few things I’d like to add about using this method.  I’ll dig deeper into these provisions in future posts, but for now here is the general outline:

1.  A clear vision about something without also stating the reasons WHY you want that something is not a clear vision, it’s a wish.  I unfortunately have made this mistake repeatedly.  The results of making a wish are not the same as having a clear vision.

2.  Timing is everything.  You control the vision, you don’t control the timing.  However, be prepared to take action on the possibilities that will arise almost immediately - they pop up when you least expect them.

3.  Your vision rarely appears in the form that you were expecting. 

4.  Your job is the what, not the how.  Simply state what it is that you want, don’t overthink how you’re going to get it.  Trust me; even if you try, the how is not in your control.

Of course, this is just the beginning of what Glenn taught me… I’m pretty sure he’d be out of business if this was the only piece of advice he had.  But this is a great place to start.  And what’s even better about going through these steps is the fact that you can use them in every area of your life, no matter how big or small the goal. 

I personally am going back to the drawing board this morning.  I’m in need of a little basic reassurance that I’m on the right road.  In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments… please feel free to email me or comment here.